My Master Cleanse Experience (an intro)

June 8, 2009

Okay. So, here goes. As it so happens, this was supposed to be a live post, but I’m Microsoft wording it since internet has died in the whole State of Vermont today, apparently. What a day for this to happen! I would have loved to have the façade of community support, at least, through online blogging and the distraction that being online provides, especially since we live in a small house and at any point in time, I am in close proximity to the kitchen, a room which I am trying to avoid . . . furthermore, I love the internet because of the relative ease in which one can get one’s questions answered. . . like, did I use too much salt in my SWF (salt water flush) this morning or does anyone else get a caffeine-like buzz from drinking the lemonade or what does it look like exactly when you poop out an alien’s head? Oh well. Hopefully, Fairpoint is working on the solution to my interrupted connectivity at this very moment.

So, I should probably articulate the reasons I am doing this cleanse. I think it’s important to write them down not only for myself, but also to try and explain drinking a quart of saltwater and 2 quarts of a lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper concoction everyday. I mean, c’mon. Who the heck is this Burroughs guy and how in the world did he have a job? Has anyone made sure that this guy wasn’t really joking when he made this thing up? Cause it really reads like a fake cleanse, and I feel embarrassed explaining it to people who have never heard of it. I might as well be telling them that my mother is a wombat and my father created air. This “cleanse” is equally ridiculous. But, my baby sister talked me into it. So, there.

Anyway, back on track. Here are my reasons, in no particular order:

1) I have some serious health challenges that I hope to better. (Gallstones, digestive system dysfunction, pituitary system out of whack, brain damage, etc.)
2) I have an addiction to food and I need to get it under control. What better way than to cut out the addicting substance altogether? Hopefully, giving up food for 10 days will help me “reset” my psychology and help me begin to look at food as sustenance instead of just pleasure.
3) My metabolism is as slow as a tortoise-sloth riding a rickshaw being pulled by a herd of two-legged cats. (FYI—a tortoise-sloth is a new breed of animal that sauntered into existence when a tortoise and a sloth got it on. Random fact about their sexual encounter: it went on for about seven months until finally one of them ejaculated V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y). Back to my metabolism. During four months of a low-glycemic, 1200 calorie diet and exercising 3 – 5 times a week (cardio and strength training) and sauna usage and 64 ounces of water daily, I lost 15.5 lbs. Now, that’s nothing to sneeze at, but 16 weeks x 2 lbs. a week (average weight loss for someone my size, weight, and gender) = 32 lbs. On paper, that is what I should have lost. Now, paper and reality are not the same. This I know. But, I still think that the conclusion that I have a very slow metabolism is justified, seeing as I lost less than half of the average. I’m hoping that this cleanse might kick my metabolism’s ass and get it to put some urgency into how it does things.
4) I want to push the boundaries of what I think I can accomplish. I have a hard time even skipping a meal. . . can I really go 10 days without eating??? Admittedly, there is a bit of competition involved here. I know other people who have done this cleanse successfully. If they can do it, then I can too, and, goshdarnit, I can detox better than them. I remember in college how it was a badge of honor to go longer than anyone else at not sleeping. Especially around finals, half the fun of procrastinating papers and projects was so you could pull all-nighters with your friends and then brag about it to everyone else. One time, I stayed up for 52 hours straight. I think I won that round. I’m still tired after that, ten years later. I wonder if I’ll be hungry for 10 years after I finish this cleanse. . .
5) I really want to try eating raw vegan, but I know that it will be a HARD transition. I think that by easing into the raw vegan diet by doing a ridiculously drastic cleanse will somehow make it easier. I’ve read that after you’re done with the Master Cleanse, you crave raw, living healthy foods, like tree bark and grass. I know that I would not crave these foods under any other circumstances. On the contrary, I crave sugary, decadent, fatty deliciousness wrapped in plastic. Not good for my ass or my gall bladder.
6) Let’s be honest here. I need to lose a few pounds. Let’s be more honest. Maybe more than a few. This is my final and least and/or most important reason, depending on what outfit I’m wearing (i.e. sweatpants or pre-maternity jeans). I’ve found that the tighter my clothes fit on me is directly related to how disgusting I feel after I eat something. Thus why I usually opt for the sweatpants.